Our lives and businesses will function only as well as our unmet needs have been met.
If you aren’t aware of them, you will likely find yourself in situations where you will not surpass your own limitations. The problem with unmet needs is that it creates an insatiable desire to meet it, many times in a way that is detrimental to our healthy selves.

How could unmet needs play themselves out through your flow of money?

• If you grew up in an environment where praise was frowned upon or thought of as egotistical and crass, you might have an unmet need to be recognized. You will seek out approval which will cloud your motivations and keep you in a place of dissatisfaction unless you get a pat on the back.

• If someone did not grow up feeling powerful, they might be the one who picks up the tab for the whole table despite the fact they aren’t keeping up with their credit card payments.

• If one has a need to feel like they fit in, it could lead to competitive spending or a ‘Keeping up with the Jones’ style of spending.

• If someone grew up in a home of addiction, they might obsess over the amount of money they have or don’t have, with no clear path to ridding themselves of this obsession.

• In an effort to feel in control a person who grew up in a family where they witnessed out of control behavior might spend as little as possible even though they have plenty of money to lavish on themselves and others.

• Someone who finds themselves in a debting cycle (getting in and out of debt more than once) might have an unmet need to feel loved but out of fear of intimacy, would rather use the shield and excuse of debt to refrain from having to focus on their deepest unmet need; to be loved completely.

Here is how John Bradshaw, author of “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, describes how he managed to take care of an unmet need. “Each time we start something new we trigger our infancy needs. After we are secure and trust our new environment, our toddler part wants to explore and experiment. ….As adults we can create a context where we can get our needs met. I was neglected in fathering. I’ve assembled a group of men who serve as supporting friends and give me feedback. I’ve learned that as an adult I can make what I get from others serve my needs… Adults learn as they mature to make what they get be enough. So I can take an event of sharing in my group and make fathering out of it. If one of the members is especially nurturing to me, I can allow that to be fathering. I can also let other events in my life serve as fathering and mothering. I can also learn as an adult to get the things I specifically need. I can be good to myself and treat myself with nurturing respect and kindness.”

The cost of ignoring your unmet needs is high and getting them met is a part of being a mature adult. Working on this alone is a huge step towards financial clarity and prosperity.

2009 is coming to a close and I wonder, “How is your money relationship? Do you have and keep positive balances in your emotional, physical, relational AND financial “accounts”?

Looking back over the last year, I have been very blessed to work with many clients who actualized their power after making a firm decision to go beyond the limits they had placed on themselves. Through the transformation of their relationship with money (i.e. themselves), they exceeded their personal expectations of what was possible in all areas of their lives. If I were to have to choose one key ingredient they shared, I would say that it was their decision to hold a mirror to themselves and embrace everything they saw, while lovingly shedding the parts that weren’t serving them. Was it easy? Not always, but I can say with 99.9% certainty that not one of them will tell you it wasn’t worth it, and the evidence is proof positive; much greater money flow, deeper enjoyment of friendships and other committed relationships and a much higher degree of self care and self confidence.

Each of us has our own journey but deep down we all share the need and desire to live “full out”, to express ourselves using everything we were given. Once you admit that it doesn’t serve you to hide your gifts and once you are willing to let go of any old, tired stories you’ve been living out, ask yourself if you are ready to make changes. I see too many people running away from themselves, not admitting what they really want and as a result, not having it in their lives.

In 2010 I have very specific ideas of what I will and am able to offer in the way of transformation for my clients. However, before we all launch into 2010, as a gift to my followers I’d like to offer you some of my time to connect with me for a complimentary strategy session, if you want to start 2010 connected to your core desires around your relationship with money as it relates to your life and business. I can also share a little about what’s going on with us.

If you are

* Nervous about your finances in 2010

* Not earning your worth

* Ready to do SOMEthing about your money flow

* Frustrated about your inability to get ahead

* Confused about what you need to be doing to build a sound financial foundation

* Feeling the slightest bit guilty that you think about money a lot

NOW is a good time to take advantage of the opportunity to get some guidance and strategy around how you are going to choose to prosper in 2010.

Please email us at info@YourMoneyRelationship.com and we’ll get you an application form right away. Please do a quick turnaround with this by filling it out and sending it back promptly as we can not guarantee that everyone will be accomodated.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this message carefully as you contemplate your life and business at the end of this year.

Wishing you every happiness this Holiday Season and much prosperity in the New Year. I so look forward to being a part of your journey next year!

Info@YourMoneyRelationship.com

Making a decision is not something you do out of habit – it requires conscious thought.
Your future is based on the decisions you make today just as your present moment is based on decisions made in the past.

Here is something I have come to know and appreciate more and more. People who make decisions from a grounded place tend to do so without questioning themselves. They ask questions, but they don’t question their decisions. Even if they change their minds, they are still focused on the results of their decision.

Some are “looking for answers” but many times the answer is a decision that gets you into a position to make another decision; each decision opens you up to other decisions, not necessarily “answers”, nor will a decision even settle anything.

But what happens when you make a decision? You get to walk through a door.

What’s Your “Puzzle Picture”?
One of my mentors walked into a room where his daughter was putting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together. He noticed that she had propped the box top against the wall in order to have the full picture. What does your financial picture or better yet, your life picture look like? Does every decision and action feel aligned to your completed (or work in progress) picture?

T.E.M.
Consider decision making from a Time, Energy, Money perspective. Do you give yourself deadlines when you need to make a decision or do you let things float until you are forced to make a decision, in essence letting other people or circumstances decide for you?

Occasionally, you might need to postpone action in order to seek more information, but don’t put off making any decision just because you don’t have a perfect answer.

Are you an Action Figure?
Without your commitment to take action, decisions are all for naught (unless you have made the decision not to do anything). But you know this. Information is great to have but it has to be applied to real life circumstances. Sometimes I have all the information I need but when I go to implement it, I realize just how much effort it takes to make something happen, even when you have all the step by step directions! Decision making requires constant focus and attention. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Taking responsibility
After you make a decision, you need to accept the responsibility and consequences for making it. You need to be willing to live with it or take the initiative in changing directions. Most decisions are made without having all the information you’d like or the resources you need so don’t hold back on making a decision just because you may have to revise it…that’s part of the process.

Evaluate your results
Each day you make a decision as to how you will spend and make your money. Are your decisions based on your “Puzzle Picture”? How do you weigh the pros and cons of your decisions?
Evaluate the outcome or result of your decisions and see if it what you want and adjust your decision making accordingly.

To tie this up in corporate speak, I guess it’s no surprise that “decision makers” are the “go to” people.

OK. Gotta go and make some decisions now : ) ….

“How would you feel about yourself if you had no idea whether you were rich or poor (monetarily speaking)?” I recently posed this question to the Twitter sphere, friends and clients. A few days later I received this email and got permission to share this with you.

“Today is payday at work. I was handed my pay stub yesterday and I noticed that the net total was significantly more than it usually is. At first I thought it was because I have been working more lately and have also taken on a lot more responsibility in the last few weeks. I then thought that something seemed odd so I looked at it closely and saw that my hourly freelance wage was a lot higher. I thought, WOW, this is amazing, I got a raise! I was so excited, but did think it was weird that no one had told me about it. Anyway, that was last night. I knew that I was going to ask the HR lady at work about it today but for about six hours last night I felt so great! I really felt powerful, successful, and that I was finally being paid what I thought I should be. I was happy that people had recognized my value and my work and I generally felt more confident, excited and even thought that I could stay at my job for a long time if we continued to be compensated in a way that seemed based on merit. I felt the burden of my bills lift and a sense of excitement about the possibility of being able to SAVE instead of just plugging debt holes. Obviously you know where this is going…..
The $800 “windfall” was a mistake on the HR woman – a very, very, very cruel mistake I might add. Upon hearing the news I felt very deflated, and I felt that cloud coming back over my head and the walls of freedom closing in a little more.
Nothing has changed physically, but it’s amazing how the emotions and mental attitude shifted. I actually told my boyfriend “Oh, I am poor again” – not productive, I know, but it was how I felt. So, I am not yet sure how, but I want to turn this into a way to make more money. Maybe it’s a push to ask for a raise, or maybe it’s a push to remember the feeling I felt when I thought I was making more.”

No physical transaction took place. She never saw or handled the money. It was all in her imagination. With an extra $800 in her bank account she blossomed into a “powerful, successful, recognized and confident” person.
Can money be that much that much of a self-elevator? For many the answer is a definitive, “Yes”. The truth is many people allow money to dictate how they feel about themselves. We see that in the way advertisers successfully persuade us that it would really be in your best interest to own this car, these clothes, these tech gadgets,shop here, eat there….
Feeling confident and recognized are basic human needs. When you attach them to the amount of money you have or don’t have, well, you have set yourself up for needless heartache.

I told her that if she was willing to take the lesson from this incident, it could serve as a launching pad for her to get even more clear about her income goals. It could also propel her to ask questions and make some carefully considered decisions that would increase her sense of value and as a result, her income.

I then asked, “Is there any way you could feel that way (“powerful, successful, recognized and confident”) about yourself right now, with or without that extra money?”

No reply yet.

It’s not easy work but if you take money seriously, it is one of your greatest teachers in and about, life.

It is not unusual to find that people who are foggy about their money also display a lack of healthy boundaries in other areas of their life, not just with money, but with people, their time, and their energy.

Emotional and self awareness, self respect, honest communication and saying the hard stuff (even when you don’t feel like it), are necessary ingredients for defining your boundaries, designed to create a safe space in which you can function.

Here are some common scenarios I have heard from a number of clients and workshop participants that describe boundary issues around money:

~ Functioning from a place of guilt, as a way of feeling needed or to maintain a false sense of control, a parent continues to support their adult child who is mentally and physically capable of making their own living. The child is given the message they will be financially supported so why even try to establish a sense of independence; financial or otherwise? Granted, it’s a lack of boundaries between both parties and this co-dependent relationship prevents parent and child from establishing their independent identities (and bank accounts).

While some might think that Warren Buffet is a horrible father for not leaving all his estate to his children, they have learned to be self sufficient. Barbara Stanny, the author of “Prince Charming Isn’t Coming” and “Overcoming Underearning” is the daughter of the “R” in H & R Block and claims the best thing to happen to her was to have her father refuse to bail her out of a horrible IRS situation caused by her ex-husband who left her with a seven figure tax bill. He wanted her to figure out how money works and she did. Now she teaches women how to take control of their finances.

~There are some who are driven by the pursuit of money, hungry for an unidentified and unmet need. Until the chase stops, time, energy and relational boundaries can be trampled on in the single- minded madness to get the pot at the end of the rainbow.

~ A surprising number of people have shared their memory of parents who would buy items, then hide them from their spouse, telling their children not to divulge what then became”their little secret.” Roping children into the parent’s shame and inability to be truthful with money showed a clear lack of boundaries. It also implied that money carries secrets, never mind the confusion and effect it hadon the (then) child’s perception of money.

Through example and words our parents, guardians and authority figures showed us how far we could take things and what the limit was; if you did certain things, there would be certain consequences. (Ex. A child who stole money from their mother’s purse, might have been grounded or penalized in some way).
OR perhaps a parent would “borrow” money, never to return it.

If boundaries were inconsistent growing up, it requires more attention of you now. Not setting them is without a doubt the far more difficult path in the long run.

Healthy boundaries help you determine what is acceptable and what’s not; when a situation or person has gone beyond your own safety zone.

Learning to say “No”.

The ability to say “No” is an indication of self care not a display of negativity. How many times have you said “Yes” when you weren’t really convinced it was a “Yes”, only to regret it later? It takes practice to be firm without letting your emotions take over so if you find it hard (which many do), practice how you would say it aloud, then practice doing it in front of a mirror until you get comfortable enough. It is very hard to say “No” when in the heat of the moment, so by practicing this skill, you can reach into your own tool box and pull it out on an as-needed basis.

How far will you go for someone, financially?

This can be everything from knowing how much you will spend on a birthday gift (and sticking to it), supporting someone or even incurring someone else’s debt.

How far will you allow other people to go for you, financially?

Do you secretly expect anyone in your life to support you, partially or entirely? To be responsible for your finances in any way?

What will you do if someone oversteps their boundaries with you? How will you explain this to them? Are you ready to say how you feel?

Boundaries are one of the basic tenets that make up a mature human being and the harder it is to set a boundary, the more important the boundary is. They need to be clearly defined, easily understood, discussed, consistent and enforced (and as we know, human nature is such that they will be tested).

At the heart of this is the need to establish and exercise extreme self care. It is always best to be pro-active than reactive so set some time aside to draw your lines. Identify which actions and even people, erode your self esteem and integrity and which serve your highest self .

Try it.
Place a bill in front of you.
Ask of it, “How well have I taken care of you?”
What do you hear back?
As odd as it may sound, you will be surprised at how emotional an experience it can be.

I once heard someone equate the way we need to treat our money to the way one needs to raise a healthy child; a lot of nurturing, patience, love, boundaries, support without suffocation, discipline, fun, attention and obviously, much more. You wouldn’t abandon or neglect it, would you?

I am sure you can add your own here as to how one needs to “raise” money, but can you see the correlation between the two?

Nurturing – When you nurture something, you lovingly care for and nourish it. You provide the proper environment, the proper food, the proper attention and cultivation. If not, money will suffer in ways that would become obvious, sooner or later..

Patience – It takes time for money to grow. Although I am an advocate of taking immediate action-steps towards your intended outcome, quick fix solutions can make things worse, especially if you are trying to break old habits and do it without self-awareness. Patience is required.

Love – Without it, what is there? If you don’t love your money, it will be difficult for money to express its love back to you given your negative feelings towards it.

Boundaries – You must respect money’s boundaries. If you overstep them by abusing your position and not allowing money to grow up and become independent and strong, money will suffer.

Support without suffocation – Money needs to flow. If you hoard it or strangle its energy, you will stunt its growth and it could run the risk of being the smallest portfolio in its class.

Discipline – When money is disciplined, it is organized in form and function. Discipline assures money that there is a solid foundation on which it can depend.

Fun and Play! - Spending and making money is fun if you are really living your purpose. Have you considered this in relation to your money? Do you feel that you can’t have fun and play and make money? Scientific researcher, Stuart Brown, has proven that the idea of play is not just for fun, but that it is actually necessary for growth!

If that exercise wasn’t potent for you, you can also ask yourself, “If Money is my best friend, how would I treat it?”

Your actions are driven by your emotions and that most definitely includes those you feel towards money. If you do one of these exercises, mind what emotions are surfacing as this will help inform you as to how you truly feel about money.

As in any relationship, keep open lines of communication and take care of it. It’s one of the most important, yet satisfying relationships you could have in your lifetime!

There is a video from Ron Lieber at the New York Times which I found to be very helpful. Click Here to watch. It’s  about Debit Cards and some of the tricky ways your bank might be making  money off them.  I’m going to add “Pay visit to my bank” to my To Do list and find out what the situation with my card is now!

“If you are doing things to make you happy then you’ re doing things backwards……”

When I ask clients what their goals in life are, the reply is never, “$1,000,000″ or any sum of money, but a list of tangible things that give certain feelings they want to have; a house on the ocean, to put kids through college so they have a good education, enough to retire so they don’t have to worry. Pride, pleasure, peace.

Money is merely a tool; an external creation of what is happening within. This is why conversations around your relationship to money are never about money except for the practical aspects of understanding how much you have in your accounts and how much you need to pay for your needs and wants.

Rather, we start by looking at the state of your emotional, spiritual and physical health and your overall self care regimen. for that is where all answers ever lie.

When you see that you don’t have enough money to cover your needs and wants, it is probably due to one of the following:

You are not making enough money.

You are spending more than necessary OR more than you actually have.

Easy, pat answers, right?

However, when you start investigating WHY you are not making enough money, WHY you are not saving enough, WHY you spend more than necessary, WHY you spend more than you have, the issue of “money as a problem” needs to be pushed aside.

Money has merely shown you what confusion exists in your interior life which is why I say that money is a portal into what is really happening to your true self.

Let’s look at some examples with brief explanations.

Someone who overshops does so for a number of reasons.

• Loneliness and Lack of significance – Salespeople are generally nice and pay attention to you
• Anger – Had a fight with your partner? Mad that s/he is never home? Buy something to make yourself feel better or better yet, charge it, since they pay for it!
• Sadness – Battling the empty hole inside
• Wanting to Belong – Many feel it necessary to be seen as part of a group and keep up with the latest styles and fashions
  Guilt – Parents who are not around can try to make up for their absence by buying or going overboard on gifts for their children

Someone who under earns tends to carry a lack of self worth which then leads to

• Excessive volunteering – Not valuing their time and energy
• Not marketing oneself – If you don’t let people know you are a great  artist, administrator, coach,  lawyer, etc…..how on earth can you expect anyone to pay you well for your work?
• Not asking for a raise – If you don’t step up and ask, you will never get, nor will you ever know if you could get
• Taking cave jobs (jobs that allow you to hide your shining talents) – Cave dwellers hide out. They go out of their way to make sure they don’t show their sparkly side.
• The inability to say NO – This is very crucial. Under earning means you are foggy about money which means you are foggy about boundaries. This means you have not thought about at which point  you draw the line. This is how people who under earn can spend too much time volunteering and working.

Notice that NONE of these emotions and traits have anything to do with money.  The unfortunate thing, however, is that these behaviors do drain your financial, time and energy pools.

Your ability to create wealth,  to pay down your debt, to save enough so you never  have to worry, depends solely on your willingness to manage your emotions, thoughts and actions.